Long time no write, huh? Over a month.
I will now provide you with several implausible excuses. Please choose your favorite one, and tell it to all of your co-workers at the water cooler. (So, this guy I sort of vaguely know of had ____________________ happen to him. And then he didn't blog for over a MONTH! Can you believe it?)
a.) I was selected to be on a somewhat exclusive committee which had a remarkable level of input on an important decision which might affect you someday. It's still sort of hush-hush, so I can't tell you about it, but...things happened, and in the end, we got sequestered. We weren't even a JURY, for crying out loud. Good old Aunt Samantha (see, I'm progressive!) put us up in a truly shoddy and fourth-rate motel. You know the type...seafoam green and flamingo pink decor...eau de 26 years of stale cigarette smoke permeates every fiber in the room. They advertise, "free cable", but that just means that you get the next state over's UPN channel. We played a LOT of scrabble. The good news is that I now have a remarkably improved vocabulary. Go ahead, ask me what frangible means? or etiolate? That scrabble dictionary, lemme tell ya. It didn't keep me warm through the long, lonely nights...nor did it stop the bedbugs from biting, but it allowed me to express my frustration in a remarkably creative manner. "Were I the potentate of this situation, I would certainly not require such quixotic moil of these poor civil servants. These milksops...these wastrels...why must they ennervate us so, when they are cosseted in every way?" See? Pretty good, right? (Ok, fine. I knew about 2/3rds of those words, but I looked up "moil" on dictionary.com)
b) Muffy fell "ill" and required that all of her doting offspring rush immediately to be by her side. For the Parker family, this means that she thought she might have had a sniffle, and because she is important, dammit! the entire family must go to the Parker family island in the Bahamas. Dad actually considered purchasing the
South Island of New Zealand island right by Dubai, but Muffy said, well, can you imagine what Muffy said to the idea of purchasing a sandlot off the coast of Dubai? Needless to say, THAT didn't happen. So. We spent almost the entire month in the Bahamas. How is it that I, a working stiff just like you, can do such a thing and not be tossed on my kiester? You, my friends, do not know the far-reaching power that is Muffy. She just picked up the phone, called a friend of my boss that she knows from...some charity board, mentioned her intention of donating to said boss's favorite charity, but that it would have to wait until after she was feeling better...or something like that. I didn't actually witness any of this masterful cajolery, but I think I'm probably pretty safe in my projection. Bottomline...I'm really tan, and I've been eating a lot of seafood. All these DC folks are like, "woo, it's not 20 degrees anymore." I'm saying..."Holy crap it's cold!" (Your blood thins when you're in 70 degree weather everyday. Don't hate.)
c) I was kidnapped by aliens and impregnated with their demon spawn. I've been at a top-secret (not anymore, Dr. Neusmith! ha ha ha hahahahahahahahahahageoar9iaghioda!) facility in Roswell for "monitoring." All I know is--one day I was large with alien-child, the next day...I woke up with my normal washboard stomach and an aching void in my heart.
d) I gained a LOT of weight, and was housebound for several weeks. Finally, the doctors stapled my stomach (right there in my own bed!) and I am only just now small enough to sit up and type. Cheese is evil, man. Don't eat too much of it. It could happen to you.
Please let me know which story you'll be telling. And, y'know...feel free to
make up formulate your own theory about my absence. Please just tell me what it is before you go around ruining my rep.
It's good to be back. (Um, I make no promises about how long I intend to stay, though.)
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